What the fuck...

Apparently not one of you understood, I'm not that original in my ideas, c'mon... Max told me today I said I wouldn't have anything to do with Jeremiah. And I said he was wrong, and he said I wrote it. Reading comprehension Max. I said anything of tiniest importance. Anything having to do with fun, any kind of pseudo friendship, hanging out has absolutely no importance. Just because something isn't important, doesn't mean I don't want to do it, it's just not anything I should stress about. My ultimatum will not change almost anything in my relationship with Jerry. For one I will trust him even less, which isn't saying much anyway, two that's about fucking it. What can I do with Jerry that has importance, go into battle, form a business? Business is all about lying anyways and war is all about keeping yourself alive. I can't really think of anything I wouldn't do with Jerry as a consequence of my decision.

If you don't have anyone to trust, no one will break it, it seems. Hmm, good idea.

Jerry made me realize one thing, who the hell am I to judge shit? So I decided I wasn't. I got reminded I was an outsider, only being reinforced by the fact that no one understood or cared. And that's good. Snapped me out of my reverie. Won't change much you see, doesn't mean I'm gonna go kill myself, I'm not retarded.

I have felt like an outsider all my life. When I left for Taiwan when I was 6 that was sealed forever. In Russia I'm a fucking attraction. Everyone's conscious of how I'm different, and when someone says everyone, they don't mean me, in Taiwan people don't speak English and everyone stares at you cause you're white, in England they're way too stuck up to admit anyone, in the United Arab Emirates nobody cares, in America people don't have the same morals as me. And I'm not trying to set myself out and somehow prove that I'm unique, I'm not unique, I just moved to Taiwan when I was six.

Today Barr started talking to me and he's like 1450 SAT, so I asked him is that your score, and he says he can't add and says it's 1250, so I say hmm, that's bad, and he flips out, cusses at me, and blocks me. Now how am I responsible for his score and how is my comment not true. Truth hurts, deal with it. I'm not saying you're dumb because you got a 1250 on the SAT, it doesn't judge how smart you are anyways. Shoulda concentrated more during the test, it's not like you're lacking some knowledge everyone else has and you don't, it's called a reasoning test for a reason. Either way you've got like 3 or 4 more dates coming up. If you're gonna get into trouble with your parents, that is completely and totally your fault and people saying, "it's ok Barr, you'll do better next time, don't worry about it, it's a stupid test anyways" isn't worth crap. You shouldn't even be taking it seriously, think up of a solution, go tell your parents right away so they don't think you tried to delay it or something. Don't be like Tomek and cry in the middle of campus because your medieval combat weapon got banned, add some padding. Jeez, damn crybabies.

"But what about compassion Kirilly?" compassion is for people who suffer for no reason, like those born in a country where death is common, kids whose mom was too dumb to marry someone respectable, so he doesn't have a dad, they deserve compassion, that's what compassion is for. But they shouldn't go asking for compassion, they should find ways to deal with it, get over it, and make the best of it. Barr did bad on the SAT, I failed my Physics AP, but I was laughing about it, it doesn't matter that the SAT is alot more important. This should be a lesson for both of us. Barr can work for a bit, make enough money and register himself for an SAT and study for it and I'm sure he'll do fine, he's not stupid. I will be studying harder for my Physics AP and I will be more ready next time.

Today in English I commented on how I didn't like Josie's pants, out of her hearing range, then me and Barr started discussing why, so she hears and walks up to me and says, "why do I have to put up with shit like this?" so I asked her why she cares, and she said I was saying she looked like shit. I didn't say that I never said that, although I didn't and instead decided to say, "are you defined by your appearance?" to shut her up, and it worked like a charm, although she kept trying to call me a shithead to appeal to her shallow desires to get back at me for her pants, cause you know how she feels compassion for her pants since they're at such a similar intelligence level (that was a sarcastic comment by the way, even I don't think that). That was so stupid, I just had to mention it. In my opinion you wear clothes that make an impression on most people of the type that you want. So just because most people like them and I don't means I'm a shithead for not conforming, this is so ridiculous I won't even bother explaining it.

Barr wouldn't lend me a buck today for food since I had eaten nothing at all since the night before until I hugged Aggie. So i refused to. I'd rather stay hungry than hug Aggie. Hugging carries across the message that you don't really hate them at least and that's simply not true, why is what I did such a burn? I simply don't like her, I think she's not very bright, not very interesting, and not good looking as though it matters. Am I not entitled to a right to dislike someone? Hugging is also kinda dumb in general, as though physical contact seals a bond of friendship or something...

Wow that was alot, enough for today!