Unfit

Oh that was incredibly retarded. I mean it's one thing when Blogger eats your post, it's another where you take precautions, you finish and your computer freezes for no apparent reason. Fucking gay... At least I'll put a bit more organization into my writing this way.

Yesterday my parents got mad at me suddenly for doing nothing and having so much yet to do. It was strange because it was so sudden and they were mad but quiet about it, which I can't recall ever happening before. I decided to enter homework mode for the rest of the summer so I started reading the SAT2 Writing test prep book. Let me tell you English grammar is fucked, how did I even get a 710 on my verbal in the SAT1, cause I totally fail their little drills... But then I went to bed and for some reason started thinking about lots of things...

The first thought that came into my head was self-hate. I realized that I am unfit for this world, I'm just not good enough to be a member of the club, I can only service their needs when they call on me but no more. The problem lies in the fact that I don't like doing anything, I'm a lazy bastard. But that's not an exaggeration, it is in fact almost completely true. The only things I can identify as processes I like are learning about stuff interesting to me, hanging around with friends, and writing about stuff I like. Not videogames, not making medieval combat weapons, or modding nerf guns. It takes incredible motivation and conviction to keep doing those things, because I always do them for the result. In fact I hate doing anything that doesn't have an application, even though I almost never even want to use that application. And I've got 3 months to make a decision that will be the main determining factor for how happy I will be throughout my life. And I waste that time by trying to put it all off because I don't feel I'm ready. I feel as if I'm wading through a swamp of tall grass and sinking further and further in. Even if I do find a spot of hard ground, it's never good enough for everyone else and I have to keep trying to find a better one for some reason, although I often can't even discern what a better one looks like. I truly have almost no idea what I want to do with my life. I know only two things: I don't want to be a doctor and I can't be an artist (no talent) although I really want to. All the rest looks the same to me. It's all busy work. I'm picking my occupation based on which busy work I dislike doing less and how fast it makes 8 hours roll by, and that's not the way to go is it! I should have opportunities thrown at me in droves being special and whatnot. But no, I'm not, I'm just like everyone else, lost as a rat on drugs in a maze in a lab being watched, encouraged, berated, even bet on by those looking from above. Being privileged hasn't helped at all. I have thought a couple times on the topic of what I would ask of a god and in what order if he would do it for me. When I was 8 I decided that the first thing would be getting my eyesight back, then it became good health, then luck, then happiness as I got older. Well right now I just want god to make me not lazy, nothing more. Not to be special, powerful, better, but just have the motivation to take advantage of all the possibilities out there. But damn, too bad wishing on a star doesn't get you anywhere. See I'm a daydreamer too, I want god to visit me and give me a gift without doing anything in return. I fucking hate myself. Read on for a perfect example of how I try to postpone big decisions:

I got my Nerf gun finally and it was not in the condition the guy claimed it was in although I was able to fix nearly everything and I'm happy with it. Turns out he sent it 10 days late so he's got some explaining to do before he gets good feedback. Sounded like a responsible guy too, oh well. But the gun's cool, I really like it. Also I'm gonna start making medieval combat weapons again (again) cause I stopped recently. It was weird cause my Dad said I would stop the next day when I talked to him sometime back and he turned out to be exactly right. It was strange because he said it as though he guaranteed it and he was right damn it. How could you predict it to the day, man...

As Dan said we haven't had a Halo/Splinter Cell: PT LAN party in awhile, so it would be good to have one. I said I'd contact people yesterday but it didn't happen because I had to behave (do something useful) for my parents, but I'm not opposed to the idea, and in fact would love to do it even though I have entered homework mode.

Fuck I got second in the tourney in Nashville. It was so incredibly frustrating cause I got so unlucky over and over again to the point where I'd be slightly ahead of someone next to me than I'd hit a log floating underwater just enough so it was impossible to see it and would get completely stopped resulting in my total loss. I even had people come to me saying that I sailed better but I just got unlucky, which was probably because I was cussing so loud onto the whole lake, which probably was pretty funny now that I think about it, hehe...