And I realize you’re mine, indeed a fool [am I]

Welcome to my new post. First rule of my post is you don't talk about my post. Second rule of my post is that you don't talk about my post. Got that? Now we can get on with business.

I'm pretty tired of constantly being berated for my relationship. Somewhere between stradling the pipe speaker and doing a split between two supports I decided it's no one's fault but my own. "Don't go trying to push the blame on someone else" I told to myself, and then I promptly did, making me more pissed at myself than I already was. All I ever wanted was an emotional connection with someone, but I guess that's too much to ask. I want to occassionally be able to know that I and another person close to me are feeling and thinking the exact same thing. I get tired of guessing what's going on in another's head nonstop. I just end up spending time away from them to compensate. It just stresses me out and I end up worrying and overthinking everything as I toss in bed at 3 in the morning. What I'm trying to say I guess is that I'm frustrated that I don't know what to do. I get all this contradicting advice coupled with contradicting expectations and I can't satisfy everything, or anything. And the most important expectations I have to satisfy are a complete mystery to me. I wish I could connect with another human being as easily as others seem to. I'm not unique, the way I reason is on the level of a simpleton. To figure me out takes just a willingness to keep asking me questions as I will inevitably answer. Do you like keeping secrets? Do you like being mysterious? What do you want? I'm done being interesting, I'm done talking in clues and subliminal messages, I'm done saying brutally true things just quiet enough that only the closest person might hear. I want to be able to do the most un-Kirill like thing and not draw a stare of disbelief. I'm willing to compromise nearly everything for those I love, be it brotherly love or affectionate love, but all I get in reply are strange looks. As I feel their stares pierce me, I know that the thought going through their heads is, "Why is this fool doing this?". Not one person nods agreeably as though they understand where I'm coming from. No matter how small and inconsequential the action, I'm there to lend a hand if it's even implied that it would be helpful. For every shortcoming of every person I know, most are still great people who will come through in a dire situation. Why does it have to be a dire situation? For all my snobbish intolerance and contemptful banter, when a person is truly in need of being comforted, I'm there for as long as they need it. If I have turned anyone away in their times of trouble, leave a note, I'll get back to you on how you're wrong. I am willing to confront my flaws and change them, I always have. Before I found a stable group of friends all the people I knew just berated me for something or other. I twisted and bent myself into what they wanted me to be until I wasn't berated anymore. For every time someone says I'm an asshole, someone else says they're glad I'm still the same asshole I was before. There's always space to improve, a person can't figure it out themselves because the source of their happiness is the way others treat them. And even if those surrounding them have problems with them, they aren't voiced, so the person never knows something is wrong with them. My final question is simply this:

What do you want me to be?