Read it and weep.

Ah, I see people responded to something more provoking, such as my last post, more so than the simple and honest question in the post before that. Apparently some people actually want me to be something different than what I am, as was indicated by the comments to my post with the question. Exactly what I was looking for actually. Now I would like all of you to know that I care about all of you, even though it may seem to you like I'm not doing the considerate thing in some situations. After the failure of my question to evoke informational response, my reasoning became simple, change can only come about in conflict, so conflict I have to create. The fact is that every little negative remark, every little pun, every put down is important to shaping you as a person in a community. When I, or anyone I know, make the smallest of mistakes, it is pointed out and laughed at. This is normal. How will a person learn from their mistakes, if no one points them out to them? And apparently people don't change unless you point out things pretty harshly to them. The people in the community are still friends so they try to do it as harmlessly as possible, with laughter, but still retaining that harshness. Just look at what I had to do to provoke a valid response: I had to set up a situation where I knew someone else would fail, and I also had to carry it all the way through, I had to make harsh, provoking statements, I had to make a gross generalization about a gender right in the title, and I had to physically hurt myself even.

Now I'm no more demanding than anyone else. There are some qualities I would appreciate in people I know, and I know it isn't fair to expect that without attuning yourself to other's needs as well. Be as brutal as you feel you need to be with me to show me what you want. Don't just think, "oh he's going through an emotionally hard time and he's confused, just make him feel loved". Doesn't anyone realize that your comforting comments will be much more painful later on when the person realizes that they were really meaningless. If you're going to answer the question "what should Kirill be?" with, "Kirill should just be Kirill", stand by it like anonymous #1. Let's analyze the angst of Betsy and anonymous#2:[my comments are in brackets]

yeah, well fuck you, kirill, and you, anonymous. how the hell am i supposed to cheer someone up

[Who said you were supposed to do anything? If you're not up to a task, don't attempt it, it'll just make everything worse. And if you attempt it anyways, don't be surprised when it fails. And god try to at least look for indications of it failing in the process, something I gave a huge indication of I believe. It would've been so simple and nice and truthful to say "sorry Kirill, I can't cheer you up because I don't know how to. Besides, why should I even try to cheer you up when I don't know you well enough and you just demand it out of the blue?"]

if they don't like anything?

[Angsty assumption that I don't like anything because she doesn't know what it is, even though I pointed out what would cheer me up in the conversation.]

if, maybe, you would speak honestly to me without being weird all the time,

[Now I'm weird and a liar, but these thing cannot be said unless I anger you as you didn't mention them in response to my question in the post where I dumped my soul out on my blog. What is the reason for that? I can't help but think that it's that I'm not important enough for you to waste your time telling me what's wrong with me unless I slight you first.]

i would have KNOWN what to say to cheer you up.

[So my demand to be cheered up must be satisfied at all costs, and if I so demand, it automatically implies that I satisfy all of your personal requirements for that action, that I am honest and normal to you all the time.]

all i try

[Already addressed "trying" above.]

to do is make people comfortable and happy and i get rewarded with stupid blog posts.

[The post is stupid now, even though it's just a quote of a conversation with her. Wait doesn't this mean that she just called her own attempt at conversation with me stupid? In fact her anger was so strong that she either didn't care or didn't notice what she was writing, or maybe that she thinks herself stupid for even wasting her time on me. Such powerful emotion!]

fuck you and goodnight.

betsy

Wow, did I even need to insert any of those comments? I don't have anything against impulsive actions and emotional replies, there's just no way anyone should expect it to beat a cool-headed, planned and thought out argument. And I think we can agree she was arguing for something. Let's analyze anonymous #2:

Anonymous said...

Kirill, this post only reflects badly on yourself.

[Yet another claim of my inadequacy, also not voiced when I did my best to reach out for an answer.]

I think this was a nasty thing to do.

[I think the author is trying to imply that he disapproves of either me demanding things like that of Betsy or posting the conversation, I'm not quite sure which.]

I thought you were becoming better attuned to other people's emotions, but apparently you are still extremely selfish.

[Oh, so you were deluded as to who I am and what I tend to do, and you're disappointed in me! And you think selfishness is my problem. And also there's some stuff about "attuning to other people's emotions" that you should clarify because I don't fully understand what you mean. Yay! Finally!]

No one is going to care how miserable you are if you treat like shit the people who are trying to help.

[It's sad I know, but as I have noticed, treating people like shit seems to be the only way to get them to talk. Because no one has the guts to tell you what's wrong unless their own pride is hurt. And god damn if anyone will just stand there and let their pride be hurt. Anything but that. Pride, pride, pride. Don't you challenge my authoritay! Besides if caring about someone means you lie to them to make them feel better, I want no one to care for anyone. It makes me chuckle in sadness.]

In conclusion I'd just like to say that you guys amaze me. Betsy doesn't want to make the simple mental step, take the short time to think a little and figure me out, as I think we can all agree that my logic here is quite simple and transparent, and it really wouldn't take that much effort on her part. She also expects me not to bother her for it. I think she'd rather not think about it and pretend that I'm the person she wants me to be rather than change me to be the person she wants me to be. Apparently lots of you think I can't change. After all the time that I have known you guys you still believe that I have a solid personality that I have no control over. You don't have to be a slave to your emotions. It's fun sometimes, but it's not the only way. You are the master, and all you have to do is realize that. Jeremiah agrees with me that you can will yourself to do anything, from drawing yourself out of depression to making yourself run faster it's all within everyone's reach. All you have to do is let go of pretending that you can't do things and stop indulging in your laziness and you can be king. Or queen. We can all change, the question is do you want to? My answer is yes, and I'm not going to just give up if you guys are too lazy to tell me anything, argue with me, or even think about it. I will do anything that's necessary because it's for both your good and mine. Do you not realize how little time there is left for us to form long term friendships? All the best friends of all adults I've ever known have almost always been high school friends. Not all of us will get a chance to build a new group of friends in college, and I know that I definitely won't, so I'm not going to just let this go that easy. I think you can understand why.