Think clear through all your tears and laughter.
When I started that aim conversation with you Betsy I wasn't planning any of this. I was emotionally crushed and I made a mistake because of it; I asked you to cheer me up. I care about you as a person, yet according to you that implies that I would stay away from doing things you don't like. I don't like it when people make fun of me, but I know that it is absolutely necessary to keep me on my way to becoming a person more attuned to others' needs. If you don't want to change for other people, fine, that's your choice. You said implying that you're not all you can be makes you feel bad about yourself and causes unnecessary conflict. Do you mean to say that you'd rather have no conflict and pretend that you're already the best person you can be? Are you saying you're perfect as you are and I'm demanding things that I have no right to and making you feel bad about yourself when there's nothing to feel bad about? Think about what would be if this entire thing had never happened, I wouldn't feel bad as I do now about doing it, and you wouldn't feel bad about not cheering me up. Therefore neither one of us would have changed for the better. It's not like I changed from three posts ago into more of an asshole, I was still the same asshole I am now, but at least now I know that doing what I did is wrong and unnecessarily harsh, and maybe you'll learn something as well.
"YOU are supposed to figure out who you are, not us" just reminds me of myself saying, "happiness comes from interaction with others and how they treat you, so to increase happiness you have to attune yourself to others and they have to give you feedback on your actions, if they don't want to give you feedback or give you feedback that's not representative of what they think, they're not your friends."
Now I have known for a long time that Betsy doesn't want to be my friend. Whenever I try to talk to you seriously about something you blow me off by saying stuff like, "I'm tired"(laying in a bed recovering energy is more important than you or your friendship) or, "Sorry, I'm watching [insert TV show here]"(public entertainment of the lower quality that happens on a schedule at least once every week is more important than your offer of friendship which happens maybe a couple times in a lifetime). Now tell me, how am I not supposed to get bitter when you do that? When I say you suck at cheering me up, I'm making a comment on how you're bad at one task, when you tell me that I'm not worth it as a human being again and again and again, I'm not supposed to feel bad? You make me feel like complete worthless trash and you think that's fair?
And to address the last part of your comment, "i suppose you are accomplishing your goal, seeing as some of us are telling you what's wrong with you, but goddamn. you didn't have to involve me in it." You're only reinforcing the fact that your pride and your emotional state and your time and your credibility and reputation are more important than being honest with each other. And that really cuts deep.
Betsy, for all the times you have hurt and disappointed me, I hold no grudge against you. I'm sure I hurt and diappoint people all the time. Can you blame me for what I did? Yes. But can you blame me for getting occasionally bitter about the way you treat me and doing something I shouldn't do upon impulse? I hope you answer that the same way I do.
In response to Jeremiah's comment there's not much left to discuss:
"This refutation does not make sense, if you think about it. When you tried to reach out for an answer, neither of these two posts had been written. Therefore, it was impossible for me to claim your inadequacy then, since you had not yet written the post which I felt reflected badly on yourself."
So you DO think I've changed from three posts ago. Curiously a person I consider a good friend has a very strange idea of who I am and what I would do. C'mon Jeremiah, look at how often I've been an asshole, take the whole Aggie thing for example. You really think that I'm suddenly and completely over that? People don't change overnight. I understand that you have to defend your girlfriend according to the rules of your relationship, but you could sneak a little bit of reason in there.
"I thought posting the conversation was nasty. I generally would consider it nasty to hurt people's feelings for the sake of proving a point, or for the sake of trying to cause a ruckus. If you understand that you hurt her, and you're fine with that, then nothing I say will make you change your mind, but if you're treating these posts as a science experiment and not realizing what you're doing, then I encourage you to step back and be empathetic towards others. This is why I called you selfish.
And yes, I was disappointed in you. I hope that makes you happy."
As I said above I didn't set it up from the start. I hurt her and I'm fine with that, just like how she hurt me and she's fine with it. She probably hasn't even thought about it until now. I wanted to hurt her when I posted the conversation because I was very hurt and it was only logical to crave revenge. I know it was wrong but I don't regret it, because what we're talking about now is important. Your accusation of selfishness is at the same time true and misplaced. True because it is and misplaced because that's not the reason I did any of this.
"I give blank slates to people all the time" So most of your friends are blank slates? You can't be friends with someone who you consider to have made a mistake you can't erase? Is that all people mean to you? It's like middle school, you can get two tickets everyday and not get in trouble because at the end of the day they're wiped, but don't get three in a day or you get detention because getting three in a day is alot worse than getting 40 over a month. If all a good friend is for is the blankest of slates, how do you expect me to feel about that? And you accuse me of not being empathetic enough.
However apt your comparison of this and the occurance from last year is, I think that there's a difference because I didn't do this out of selfishness. I don't think it's selfish to want to improve yourself in the eyes of others, it just doesn't fit the definition. I'm not doing it just to make myself happier, I'm doing it for everyone. Also I wasn't given a choice and used trickery to get it all. That part just doesn't fit at all. It's true that I went for what I wanted to do and was willing to pay the costs, but that's just called being assertive and knowing how far you have to go. The difference is that I said everything there was to say, and you didn't, even to this day I think, unless I just forgot.
But as you said neither you or I hold a grudge and that's why we are friends and will stay friends after this.
Also that last part about anonymous#1 being an asshole like the rest of us? If we're all assholes like me than what's the problem with me again?
12 Comments:
Dear Mr. Kirill Lagoutchev,
I am trying to be your friend. Caring about me doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do things I don’t like. It just means that I expect you not to ridicule me for my shortcomings. Being made fun of isn’t necessary for personal growth. Not for you, and not for me. If you don’t enjoy it, you should make people stop. That is better for your personal growth than tolerating constant abuse.
I am willing to listen to others’ criticism about me, as long as it’s privately discussed and respectfully presented. It is my personal choice what I do with those comments, whether I follow them or not.
If this entire thing had not happened, I would have felt bad about not cheering you up. In fact, I spent quite a lot of the day after that conversation occurred thinking about what kind of “simple and brilliant” thing I could say. That was before you posted our AIM conversation, and before you were mean to me at my party, when I was showing my care and concern for you by making you comfortable and entertained/distracted.
I firmly believe that you cannot go through life asking other people what they want you to be like. People change, people have mood swings, people have short memories. You will just end up confused and disjointed if you have people trying to make you behave in all sorts of different ways. I realize that this may sound hypocritical because of my earlier request that personal feedback should be given privately, etc. etc., but that is my way of being myself. I have standards, and you should have standards, too. If criticizing me in private and in a nice way is something your standards do not allow you to do, then we have no reason being friends.
As I said before, I want to be your friend, Kirill. It is impossible for me to interact honestly on AIM. As Jeremiah has told me, and I admit, I use AIM as a shield. Whenever I have something to say that will bring conflict, I always do it over AIM. Why? Because when you are talking on AIM, you have no responsibility for what you are saying. They are just words on a screen, gone as soon as you quit the program. Are things you type on AIM really words you SAY? Do you MEAN them? Who can tell? That’s why I am trying to restrict myself to light conversations on AIM. Really, though, that has just stifled all of my serious conversation, as seeing people face-to-face and one-on-one grows increasingly difficult due to various factors: work, sleep, group dynamics and activity, personal interactions and jealousies, etc. etc.
I will admit that it is a habit of mine to be in bed early and not be in the mood for heavy conversation. As you yourself said the other day, “Betsy is never up late enough to have that sort of deep conversation with me,” or something to that effect. But have you ever once said to me, “Betsy, I need to have a serious talk about something with you,” when it was not something about video games or philosophy? I would never refuse to talk to you if I didn’t think there was someone better-qualified around to do it. And if you want to talk to me specifically about something, why don’t you say that instead of having all of these preconceived notions that I am supposed to receive by ESP? I never meant to make you feel like you aren’t “worth it as a human being”. I don’t want you to feel like “complete worthless trash”. Hanging out with someone, and having new experiences or adventures together seems to me to be a better way to have a connection with someone than to be grilled by them on AIM. I try to show people I care about them by being with them, around them, trying to make them happy, comfortable, etc. Perhaps now that I know that making you happy requires either heavy conversation or coming up with something “simple and brilliant”, I might be able to better accommodate you should this situation arise again.
“And to address the last part of your comment, ‘i suppose you are accomplishing your goal, seeing as some of us are telling you what's wrong with you, but goddamn. you didn't have to involve me in it.’ You're only reinforcing the fact that your pride and your emotional state and your time and your credibility and reputation are more important than being honest with each other. And that really cuts deep.” I think that I am correct in assuming that, when you said “being honest with each other,” you meant responding to your post in which you asked on your blog, “What do you want me to be?” Well first of all, I did not believe that post was directed at me. Secondly, I really had nothing to say to that post. I thought about what to comment on it; I even commented to Jeremiah that I was trying to come up with a comment but couldn’t think of something that would satisfy you, so I didn’t say anything at all. Had I known that you actually wanted people to tell you how they wanted you to act, I probably would have had a complete thought to comment. I would have told you something similar to what I said above--people can give you feedback or approve or disapprove of you, but it is up to you to decide what you do and how you act.
So I’m sure I haven’t even begun to satisfy you with this letter. I am far too depressed about potentially ruining yet another relationship for inexplicable reasons to write any more. I hope you aren’t as miserable as when I failed to console you the first time.
Sincerely,
Betsy Dorner
Well that was nice. A long, dense letter with alot of thought. All I can say, is wow I'm impressed. I was about to address your letter point by point but damn that would flow really badly so I'm going to respond to it as a whole:
You may be trying to be my friend, but I've never really noticed it. Maybe this is because your idea of a friend is a bit different from mine. The way you're talking to me now qualifies you to be my friend more than everything else you've done put together, and that is not an exaggeration. Everything else isn't meaningful interaction. When you just go to hang out with someone this isn't the kind of stuff that gets said. All I try to do in those times is have fun and pass time, and you can do that with anyone.
"Caring about me doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do things I don’t like. It just means that I expect you not to ridicule me for my shortcomings."
I had to address that because it's simply a contradiction. Just think about it a little.
I know that being made fun of isn't necessarily for personal growth. But when people make fun of me it is almost always a valid comment that does reflect on what I do, and therefore helps me grow as a person. I don't know about you but it sure helps me and you can't argue with that. By berating you the way I did in our AIM conversation I gave important information about myself and how I think you should act. I couldn't see it sinking in though. Now you tell me that you thought about it afterwards but I just couldn’t tell back then. In the conversation it really, totally seemed like you didn't care so I decided I had to post it to make you think. That's probably because as I now know you stay away from heavy AIM conversations, but I didn't know that back then. And really I don't understand why. I've personally never had a problem with or witnesses someone having a problem with saying what they truly mean on AIM. It's just like talking, I don't think there really is a difference.
Back to making fun of me, I can't make people stop even if I wanted to. Imagine me convincing Ben to never comment on my mistakes again. Seriously, it's impossible.
I don't know what people mean by the word abuse. I've never really figured it out. You say that making fun of me is abusive behavior but I really never noticed it and still don't think so. Sarah said she is abusive towards me but I never noticed it and still don't think so. I just don't get it at all.
Of course it's your personal choice whether you listen to criticisms of you or not, and I chose whether to listen as well. That was never the problem. I already apologized for posting our conversation. Apparently the things you say to a person are still your personal property and I can't share them with anyone. I still find this concept ridiculous and unnecessary, whenever I say anything to anyone, no matter how personal it is, it is either for the world or not for the world. And I personally have yet to find something I don't want to share with everyone.
At your party I did my best not to be mean to you. As I tried to explain to you there as calmly as I could, it really wasn't your fault. And I still mean it, there's nothing you could've done to make me comfortable there. The reason I was in a bad mood there did not at all depend on you. You should really realize why.
You seem to think that showing care and concern, even when it isn't called for is something which should always be rewarded. It may be because of my mother, but I never supported this concept. Unless I ask for help, I don't want help. If you try to help when I'm doing anything and I don't want it, the only result will be me getting more aggravated. That is just the way I am. Maybe it's a bad quality. Someone should probably tell me, but after years and years of conditioning of this concept from my Mom behaving in the way you do, it will be hard to change. But possible.
I never asked you to change your beliefs about whether you should go through life asking people what you should be like. But I'm also saying that my beliefs aren't up to you. I want to change how I act, not what I believe. And I believe as firmly as you do in your own ideas that my happiness is linked to how I act towards others. Just as I won't post criticisms of you publicly anymore, you shouldn’t try to challenge me on this belief.
You are making a gross generalization when you say that people have short memories. Sometimes it makes me scared of myself but I remember huge amount of things. And they all go into my decision making process years later. I know other people like that too. And it's normal. Some people are just this way and you should be aware. I won't end up confused or disjointed because different people have different expectations. Everyone I know is on a ladder, and conflicting requests are resolved in cross referencing that person's "rank" and how conflicting the request is. I have never been frustrated because I can't satisfy everyone. I simply want to satisfy a small group of largely similar people. It really isn't that hard. And yes I scare myself a lot.
You say that you are yourself, but I think who you are really isn't in your genes. Of course it's from personal experience and you have a right to your opinion as much as I do mine, but still, I'm just saying that I think you are who others make you to be.
You doubt that I have standards? I throw my standards all over the place. That is because if people know them, this kind of thing is much less likely to happen. I would've never thought that publicly criticizing you is something you would find so unacceptable, because lots of people I know do it all the time to each other, and there never was a problem before. And I'm certainly not like that, and you have never even implied this fact to me.
Don't give up on AIM. The only time I will talk seriously is in text, because when I see someone in person there are other things we can do together that are not possible when I'm sitting in front of my computer. It's really hard for me to waste valuable time for doing time something that doesn't have to happen in that valuable time. Maybe this is bad, tell me. (notice a pattern here?)
Really though AIM isn't that bad. I know I can trust every one of my friends to mean what they say on AIM. I've never noticed you having a problem with it either. At least know that you can trust me to mean everything I say.
Do I need to put a tag of "this is a serious conversation" whenever I want to talk to you? I don't think I ever have conversations that aren't serious anymore. I might have at some point but it just doesn't happen now. Anyway you can figure it out yourself, it's not that hard at all to tell if someone isn’t just fucking around.
Philosophy. You sound just like Mom. Whenever I try to talk meaningfully to my Mom about anything she blows it off as Sophistry or something to that extent. And it really bites. If everything meaningful I say is philosophy and philosophy doesn't reflect on real life, than I might as well just be executed right now because I am of no use to the world and will never understand it.
Someone better-qualified to talk to? Owwwwwwww. There's nothing even to say to that. Man, you were saying something about trying to be my friend? Come again? Whazzat? I'm still reeling in pain.
What's ESP?
Maybe you never meant for me to felt bad but that is kind of nixxed by your comment that I just discussed. Dang girl, that is one of the most painful insults I could possibly come up with for myself. Probably the most painful. I likely wouldn't have even thought of it. Damn.
When I said "your pride and your emotional state and your time and your credibility and reputation are more important than being honest with each other" I meant that instead of pretending that you care about me (as that is what came across to me in how you replied in the AIM conversation. It really just seemed like you were using me talking to you as an excuse to tell me what happened during your day. I mean seriously, your coworkers call you Becky? Look back on that and laugh please) you should just say what your priorities are as I do, since that will make everything more clear and create less of the conflict you so dislike.
Maybe I posed the question of "what do you want me to be?" badly, but I think that's reasonable, seeing as I wrote the post in a torrent of emotion that just lead to me breaking up with the girl I love. My mistake, I'm sorry, it seemed clear to the people who did comment.
As I said in the beginning of this absolutely huge comment, you have satisfied me more with your reply than you have ever with anything else you have said or done combined. Not only did you satisfy me, you made me happy and made me regain my faith in you and humanity as a whole. See it wasn't hard after all was it?
And what are you talking about ruin another relationship? I don't mean to be sexist, but really, I'm not a girl, I won't hold this against you not forever, not for a second. This is only a positive interaction between us. And I'm not saying this to draw you out of depression, I'm saying it because it is absolutely true.
Right now I'm the happiest dude on earth. We should both just smile and laugh and go eat some delicious icecream at Jarling's Cup.
wait, betsy, didn't you just say 1) you only have light comments online (hinting that you won't reply to people saying an important convo's about to happen), but 2) if kirill doesn't tell you that it's important, you'll ignore him?
why aren't you honest on AIM? if you're going to talk to someone (though, by following the above two points, you won't) on AIM, then why lie to them?
and of course kirill actually wanted people to respond to his post. otherwise he wouldn't have posted it, because what's the point in typing a question that people will read when you don't expect a response?
-barr
okay, i need to write a longer reply later, but here's a short comment for right now... when i said "someone better-qualified" i meant someone better-qualified to talk to YOU about what you want to talk about. anyway...
betsy
Right, cover up your insult, and why do you keep signing on and off AIM very quickly. Could you be blocking me or something? Or perhaps going invisible? No you wouldn't do that, would you?
Of course your idea of a friend is different than mine! That was one of my points in the letter, but you put it more succinctly. Anyway, I think you can have meaningful interaction while hanging out, and I know that I, personally, can not have fun and pass the time with just anyone. It is really rare for me to pass a few hours in which I actually have fun and enjoy the company of the people I’m around.
“‘Caring about me doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do things I don’t like. It just means that I expect you not to ridicule me for my shortcomings.’ I had to address that because it's simply a contradiction. Just think about it a little.” Just add in [in public] to the end of my quotation. Enough said.
As for making fun of people, I think it’s something inherent in male interaction. There’s so much competition that people always make fun of each other to mask their own shortcomings. I think we’ve all heard that before, though. I don’t know; maybe the teasing will subside as we all mature...
Anyway, in our notorious AIM conversation, I was employing my usual tactic of trying to distract people from their worries, as that always helps me. As we all now know, telling stories about my coworkers isn’t the right way to go about it for you, so now I know. I guess I do assume that showing care and concern is what people want, since most people respond positively. It’s not that I necessarily expect to be “rewarded” but I usually get some sort of positive feedback, even if it is something like, “Thanks for showing concern, but I really need to be left alone now, please.” If you consider that a reward, then I guess you’re right.
I suppose I really react badly to criticism online because it seems really unfair to me. Especially in blogs; I wouldn’t have seen your post about me for a couple of days, at least, unless Meredith had mentioned it to me. By then you probably would have moved on, and I would have just been revisiting old conflict. Also it is really hard to determine what someone’s motives are on AIM. You can’t hear the tone of their voice or see that they are paying attention to you. During our conversation I was, but how were you to know? And none of the people who read that conversation know how quickly it was flowing, which is another indication of what’s going on. It’s really easy for people to judge you when they weren’t there, and when the person being judged has no way to immediately respond.
It seems that you already have a system to deal with everyone’s differing expectations, so I will respect the fact that you are willing to cope with crap from everyone and leave you alone about it. I know that people’s actions are based on what others expect them to do. Parents have expectations and rules for their kids, teachers do, the media influences people, etc. etc. It just seems odd to me that you want to receive direction from such a “small group of largely similar people”. Do we all have the best in mind for you? Will it be boring if you end up going along with all of their expectations? I don’t know.
Anyway, I suppose that I will try, for you, because you are my friend, to give serious talks on AIM a chance; the same way that I, for Jeremiah, am trying to bring up personal matters and serious conversations in person. It isn’t that I don’t mean what I say on AIM, but I just feel that there’s a barrier between two people talking with computers. I know I would probably say different things were I talking to them in person. I never feel like I’m giving someone full attention. If I’m there with them in a room, then I know how to listen to them with eye contact and respond. On AIM, when someone is going on a long tirade, how do they know I am listening? How am I supposed to know if I should interrupt with a comment or just let them finish their train of thought? These things are usually apparent when talking in person.
I am sort of going through your comment point-by-point again, so I will state again that when I meant “better-qualified”, I meant someone better qualified to talk to you; I think if you read through my original sentence a couple of times you’ll see it.
ESP is extrasensory perception. It’s like mind reading.
Okay, I will admit that my “Becky” story was horrible. I just thought of how much joy you guys used to get calling me Besty and thought this was related. But really, after that failed so miserably and I couldn’t think of anything else, what else could I do but sign off and go to bed? I’m sure you would have been even more frustrated with me if I had continued trying and getting worse and worse. It’s not that you weren’t my priority, but I was feeling helpless.
I know the “what do you want me to be” post was posted because of Sarah... I really thought it was directed at her, and so I didn’t think it was terrible that I didn’t comment. I’m sorry I didn’t comment; and I’m sorry about you and Sarah.
I’ve been really paranoid lately about “ruining relationships”. Allison, as you know, will barely speak to me; Michelle keeps hanging out with her and is quickly going down the same path. I have been in conflict on and off with lots of Posse members for a weeks. Jeremiah and I were having some weirdness in our relationship for a while. It has just been one thing after the other, and so this whole thing really upset me. I had come to see you as one of my best friends, since we never fought and always had fun together. I’m glad this whole thing is pretty much over now, and it seems like a male quality to not hold grudges. Not that I’m going to hold a grudge against you, but I haven’t been expecting people to just move on; they just won’t. But I’m confident that we will.
Haha, let’s get some ice cream sometime.
Betsy
"It is really rare for me to pass a few hours in which I actually have fun and enjoy the company of the people I’m around."
...
i meant a group setting!
--betsy
This has got to be the longest string of comments in terms of raw text I have ever seen. Wow.
I know that I personally have never had positive meaningful interaction with anyone in person. For example when I talk to my Mom it always ends in screaming and pointless stubborn arguing. Only one conversation comes to mind and that was when Jeremiah and I were tired and we were running back to Kenney from the UH track. And that doesn't count because running is a special case, and isn't really hanging out.
"“‘Caring about me doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do things I don’t like. It just means that I expect you not to ridicule me for my shortcomings.’ I had to address that because it's simply a contradiction. Just think about it a little.” Just add in [in public] to the end of my quotation. Enough said."
You missed the point, in the second sentence you encourage me to satisfy one of your expectations, so you in essence tell me that you would appreciate if I did this thing that you like. But in the previous sentence you say that I don't have to do things you like to be your friend. (The friend part you later said in the original letter) Don't you see how you are saying I have to do this one thing you like to be your friend and then immediately contradicting yourself? Anyways it's irrelevant.
I've really never thought that we make fun of each other to mask our own shortcomings. That doesn't actually make sense in the context of our friendship. It's not like when Ben makes fun of me for mispronouncing a word, he's setting it up so in a future time when he mispronounces a word I can't make fun of him for it. Not that that would work anyway. And everyone knows each other's shortcomings and we talk about them all the time, and it's fine.
Part of what I meant with the sexist title of my original post is that all the women I know do the kind of thing you do when trying to cheer people up. Distracting has never worked for me, it always frustrates me that people are trying to drive me away from the problem. My own tendency has always been to face it and solve it, and distraction just makes that harder. Something simple and brilliant is therefore very helpful because it's a weapon to take the problem head on. Perhaps another difference between men and women? Or maybe me you and my mom and her friends and couple other girls.
It's one thing for other people to judge the aim conversation, I admit it's alot harder, but I also didn't know you really worried about that. I think everyone who read it got the main point, even if their interpretation of what was going on was slightly distorted. But I could understand better, if not perfectly what you meant to say. You say I didn't detect that you were paying attention to me. What difference does that make considering what you said? You said the wrong thing. I'm not one to reward failed attempts, I can forgive them and do so easily, but I have never reacted well to someone trying and screwing it up. Sorry, another quality of mine I might have to change. Also whenever I post, I wait for comments, so it wouldn't have become an old issue for at least a week, where I would’ve gotten pissed that you hadn’t replied and would’ve typed something even more hurtful. Usually when I type a post, it's for comments and comments only. I like feedback.
Best in mind for me? Why of course, the better I am attuned to you guys, the better friends we will be, and that's seriously the only thing that matters to me in the whole wide world. It's inherently the best thing for me. And it definitely won't get boring because it'll require a lot of change in me over a long time, and that's the antithesis of boring.
You don't simply trust your aim partner that they're paying attention? You're that paranoid? These people are talking to you because they want to, otherwise why would they be? I know I'm that way at least. I always assume the other person is paying attention unless there's huge breaks between my messages and theirs which is usually a decent indication that they're not paying attention. My method has never been wrong to my knowledge, and has never put me in an awkward situation. And when someone's telling a long story, don't cut them off with a long thing of your own, but you can insert short comments that don't need replies in there if you feel like you need to show that you're paying attention. If you don't they'll just doubt it for a second, but then when they're done you'll reply in a constructive fashion which implies that you were listening. It's not that critical really.
I see how you COULD have meant that thing as not as insult, but it really doesn't SOUND like you did. Whatever, I don't care either way because often you would be right about me not being the best qualified to talk to about something. I'm practicing though, gimme some time and maybe...
I never expect anyone to understand anything by ESP, subliminal messages though, that's a different story, those just require a little bit of creative thought.
I guess you really screwed it up beyond repair by that point so you're right. But don't worry about it, I don't hold it against you.
There's no need to be sorry about me and Sarah, I really don't want to hear that again cause it just brings back bad memories. It had to happen, and it's better that it was sooner rather than later and that I finally confronted her about it. It's just that even if I understand this with logic and reasoning, I still have to quell my gut feeling, and that takes time. My gut feeling is always wrong. It kinda sucks. Like whenever we determine order for something by like drawing numbers out of a hat or something, I'm always dead last, I know I will be dead last, and my gut feeling says I'll be first. I guess that's why I think about things so much, I have no other way.
I don't know about Allison and Michelle but that's all girl stuff. I don't think you're on bad terms with a single member of the Posse. You know Ben might complain about something occassionally, but seriously what doesn't he complain about. Even if some might not think you're the best, no one really minds you being there ever. They're just concerned that you may not enjoy doing what we are doing at the moment.
Also I'm really surprised that you consider me one of your best friends because we never fought. I don't know about you but if I don't fight with someone about something at least occasionally it's hard for me to stay friends with them. It's important to be able to regularly show that no matter what the argument, no matter how large the difference between two people, that they can still preserve their friendship afterwards. Not only that but the conflict usually strengthens the friendship. Maybe this is a guy thing, but I know that's how it is with my Mom (all jokes aside). We never really agree on even the smallest things. But we still respect each other's opinions. And having fun together doesn't really count because the number of times I haven't had fun with people around me can probably go on the fingers between my two hands. I think that's one of my good qualities. I hope people agree.
You shouldn't be confident that we will move on, because it's simply not true. We already have, and there's nothing more to move on from now! Hah! I had you there for a second, didn't I?
JARLING'S CUP!!!! Call me some time, sugar honeybunches.
"As for making fun of people, I think it’s something inherent in male interaction. There’s so much competition that people always make fun of each other to mask their own shortcomings. "
just male interaction?
-barr
I will lay this out.
I started to read Kirill's original post.
Then I saw how dense it was.
Then, I browsed the comment string.
I quickly diverted my attention from the main frame of the resultant page and focused on racing the scroll bar down to the bottom.
Go scroll bar! You can do it!
Wow, here I am. I think I can see my house from here!
Yes, I can! Wow, I must have left my oven on.
Oh thank heaven, the fire's extinguished! Someone has doused it with a river! Thank you, anonymous friend! I can only imagine what would have transpired had you not cried me that river.
ESP is "extra-sensory perception", aka, kirilladar
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